So I needed somewhere to type a journal and a friend hooked me up. So here it is my shiney new journal. So I am going to begin to talk about things that seem to bother my mind. Like my name. My name is Jessica by law. I was given this name at birth because i was born with a vagina. Now as a little kid I dressed and acted like a girl for the most part. I was a tomboy but still acted like a girl. High school came and I began dressing and acting like a guy more and more. Mostly without even realizing what I was doing. I did have ppoints where I acted real girly but always went back to being this manly so called lesbian. Anyways so I just went on living life as a masculine female. But December of 2007 I was introduced to the world of drag. I would be a female dressed exactly like a male facial hair and everything. So with the help of a friend or two I tape down the tatas and went out as a guy. Oh was it fun and felt so comfortable being seen as a guy. I feel like I have more self confidence when I am viewed as a male. So since that I have been doing a lot of thinking and going out more often as a guy. Even once and a while performing as a drag king at area bars. I love the different life I have as a male. When I am dressed like a male my name is Jake and I love being called Jake. Most people know that and call me that full time instead of my real birth name, Jessica. The more and more I live my day to day life the more and more I see that I am currently living as the wrong sex. When i enter into a public bathroom I go into the one with the picture of a person in a dress for women. While in there i feel awkward and like I am not where I should be. When i am in the bathroom and I am getting ready to get in the shower and i glance over at the mirror and see a female body. I do not like what I see. I see the proper face but from the neck down I am all wrong. I know it. When I wear pants made for the female I feel awkward in my own clothes. There is a sense of having to walk different in them. Not sure what that is. For Christmas I asked for some new clothes but only clothes I pick out so that way I can buy mens clothes. I just want to start living my life how I want it to be, not how other want it to be. I was at Kmart the other day with my mom and i showed her some cologne i want. I point out this mens cologne and instead of saying okay she says "Why cant you smell like a girl?" I didnt exactly know what to say to this. Only a few of my friends know about me and my so called gender questioning. So therefore my mom has no clue. Anyways all I could reply with was that I dont want to smell like a damn flower. I instantly switch the conversation onto something else. A day or two ago my grandmother asked if I wanted to go buy a nice girly sweater for christmas and I just said I am going to wear a shirt and tye. How she took that comment is up to her. I drop such comments once and a while just to see what gets said by my family and or friends. I dont think if I ever decided to come out to them about wanting to be a male that it would be well accepted. I love my family to death but I just feel more and more distant as time goes on. I go to holidays dressed in mens clothes and walk and act like a guy b ut no one seems to get it. They still even crack gay jokes when I am around like its not obvious I date girls. Ever notice every holiday I bring a female and she gets introduced as my friend. Wierd huh? Anyways thats about it for today. I want to take a nap since I will be up late tonight at the bar.